12 Years a Slave Wins Big, Racists Go Nuts

Director Steve McQueen with well deserved recognition

Watching the Oscars with friends at a bar, we couldn’t help cheering when 12 Years a Slave won the Oscar for best film. If you haven’t seen the movie, drop everything now and do it. The movie is a masterpiece in regards to how closely it follows the autobiography of Solomon Northup, a free black man who had been kidnapped and sold into slavery until his eventual rescue. (By the way, you can find a great break-down of the movie vs reality here. Also, Northup’s book can be easily bought on Amazon or at your local bookstore).

Not only is the movie mostly historically accurate, but the visuals can be breathtaking and harrowing at the same time. You really get sucked into the story as well as the cinematography. Though I agree that it’s about time we see a slavery movie that is strictly about the slaves themselves, and not “about the exceptional white people who ultimately triumph against evil”, I would add that this movie is particularly powerful because everybody gets to sympathise with Solomon who, like all of us today, was born a free man. The denial of freedom is even harder for anyone who’s had a taste of it, and Northup’s suffering is all the harsher because of this fact.

Now, if you watched the Oscars like me, you might have gotten a chuckle when Ellen Degeneres talked about the upcoming best film award in these terms: “Possibility number one: 12 Years a Slave wins best picture. Possibility number two: You’re all racists.”

And yet, despite the well deserved title of best film, 12 Years a Slave remains controversial. Well, amongst racist history-deniers, that is.

Never one to miss an opportunity to point and laugh at deserving morons, I present to you my top ten list (in no particular order) of the weirdest racist comments I found so stupid, they cross the line between seriousness and satire. Courtesy of Youtube forums...

• All the slave owners and slaves of this time are long dead. So why are we still acting like this is a current event? 0.0

That's why it's called a "historical movie". I gather you didn't watch Titanic either... and current stupidity makes this movie a necessity. And I'm not talking about Titanic.

• The first slave in North America was owned by a black man named Anthony Johnson who established human ownership through a court case.

I get it. Black guys did it, so it's cool. Also, good God, read up on slavery...

• The Chinese owned Black slaves for centuries so why can't they make a movie about that?

Because you don't speak Chinese?

• Yeah because white people invented slavery. Its been around since the beginning of time at all four corners of the Earth.

Again... other people "invented" slavery, so it's cool, right? We cool?

• It's hard to see White GENOCIDE when you're an anti-White [...]

I'm white and I still don't see it... Wait, I must be anti-White!

• 12 years a slave is basically school

I know, right? Damn teacher whipping me during algebra...

• [...] I'd rather be 12 years a slave than be forever n****r.

Your logic astounds me...

• Lmao this movie looks funny

I'll just presume you're in the wrong forum...

• Here we go again another movie about slavery, is like they have nostalgia for times bygone! [...]

I presume you're taking about plantation owners... 

• This type of movie should NOT be made. Its only purpose is to rile up certain people who should just get OVER slavery. It was 200 years ago. Come on.

Seems to me the only people riled up are those threatened by celluloid... Also, your math is shoddy. 

Anachronisms Ahoy!

I've recently finished watching all available episodes of the 1958-1959 series Northwest Passage. A quick Google search doesn't reveal much on the production of this show. Starring Keith Larsen as Major Roberts, the series purports to tell the exploits of the Rogers' Rangers during the French and Indian War (albeit a heavily fictionalized retelling. And when I say heavy...). 

Though Keith Larsen doesn't seem to have had much of a noticeable career following this role, I can't help but wonder when I read that he stared in something called Women of the Prehistoric Planet... His co-star in Northwest Passage was non other than Buddy Ebson of Beverly Hillbillies fame.

The series, like the movie that came out in 1940, is based on Kenneth Robert's book of the same title. Though I haven't personally read it yet, author Howard H. Peckham warns: "Kenneth Roberts account of [Robert Rogers] in Northwest Passage must be read with great caution." Peckham, Pontiac and the Indian Uprising, forward by John C. Dann, Detroit, Wayne State University Press, 1994 [1947], p. 58.

For anyone interested in learning more about Robert Rogers and his men, I strongly suggest Stephen Brumwell's excellent book White Savage: A True Story of War, Savagery And Vengeance in Colonial America. 

So, what do I have to say about this stinker? Northwest Passage is very much a product of the 1950's with its cheesy plot lines, cheesy jokes, and apparent total lack of remorse of its characters after they basically cause the small-scale genocide of a native village (Though to be fair, neither did they in real life when they wiped out the Abénaki village of St. Francis. However, I maintain that the audience was not meant to feel pity and in fact is meant to cheer for the "heroes" who are even shown slaying women and children. A very disturbing scene for today's standards when the whole affair is immediately downplayed by a cheesy joke to end the episode). 

The production value was great for the period, but little to no research was put into it. I am very much surprised that no one has yet tried to do a remake of Roger's life for the silver screen or even a TV series for the likes of HBO or Bravo... Then again, the man can hardly be considered an American Hero as Northwest Passage attempts to do. Rogers did, after all, end up siding with the British during the American Revolution. 

So in true snarktastic tradition, here is what I've learned from watching Northwest Passage*:

- Roger's Rangers tended to be just three guys in green buckskins with fringes.
- Natives wore funny looking wigs held on by a band.
- Speaking of which, natives looked suspiciously like white guys in bad skin makeup.
- French-Canadians all sounded like they were from Paris.
- People dressed like cowboys, Stetson hats and all (Despite being set in the 1750's!!!!).
- Contrary to his portraits, Amherst was a white-wig wearing old wrinkly guy.
- The French (Militia?) wore black coats with Scottish-looking bonnets.
- Montréal apparently had castles from Loire.
- The direct route to Québec from Montréal apparently went through Crown Point.
- Détroit was apparently the far western edge of New France.
- A bump on the knee would give you blood poisoning.
- A knife thrown into your shoulder-blade will kill you. Always.
- Canoes were very easy to sabotage: they were like tissue paper.
- Suspicious bird noises are always to be ignored (even when a character says: "Funny sounding bird! Hope it's not the enemy!")
- All women dressed like they were from Little House on the Prairie.
- The French army dressed like American Revolutionaries
- Robert Rogers was pretty chill unlike the period accounts of being a drunk badass.
- Using native medicine makes you a witch and earns you the scorn of little girls.
- Case in point, little girls are horrid little bitches.
- The prop department was too cheap to create wampum belts so they came up with "pledge sticks" (and even then they didn't bother to decorate these plain sticks...)
- The lake Champlain/Richelieu river system is apparently found on the edge of the Rockies.
- Bowie knifes were invented much, much earlier.
- Did I mention cowboy hats? Cowboy hats everywhere?
- An Indian with blue eyes automatically meant he was someone's captured son, not a métis.
- Crown point was made out of wood.
- Crown point was smaller than fort St-Frédéric.
- Musket shots sound like cannons.
- People were fragile back then: they got knocked out with barely a punch.
- Apparently period rowboats had motor hitches.
- Navajo blankets were all the rage.
- The St. Francis massacre apparently wasn't a big thing, having been only alluded to once.
- Memorable quote: "I need him alive, for hanging!"
- Montréal was apparently bombarded and destroyed like Québec.
- Most Frenchmen enjoyed being conquered.
- Today's citadelle in Québec existed in 1759.
- French-Canadians ate snails.
- French women wore pants.
- Native women all looked like skimpy Disney Pocahontases.
- Indian chiefs wore South-American headdresses.
- Each episode must end with a cheesy joke. No exception. Even after slaughtering a native village.
- Only white Indians are good Indians (aka white people raised as Indians).
- Again, cowboy hats... everywhere.

*A part of this review was first made by me on the IMDB message board linked to this series.

Yar... Here Be Pillagers...

It might sound strange to take a moment to rant on a humour-oriented blog, but sometimes the motion is called for. Reality TV showed us before that it can be about more than duck-faced oompa loompas from New Jersey with the likes of this acclaimed French-Canadian series, Destination Nor'Ouest:

But then the very worst rears its ugly head with this moronic atrocity, American Digger:

Behold the stereotypical "Ugly American": a fat tub of lard giggling away with his shovel and fucking backhoe (my apologies to my American colleagues and friends. Or more like my sincerest sympathies). But enough ad hominim attacks, just read these few gems from this polished turd, "We live and breathe the history, we're not out to rape and pillage the ground" (with a wonderful shot of him flinging dirt left and right like a mad animal). "We're historians" to which he adds: "But instead of reading about history [i.e. getting an education] we want to touch [i.e. rape] it". 

Spike TV's website describes the show thus:

Spike TV travels around the country uncovering hidden treasure found in the backyards of everyday Americans in “American Digger.” This new unscripted original series follows former professional wrestler turned modern day relic hunter Ric Savage, as he and his team from American Savage target areas such as battlefields and historic sites in the hopes of striking it rich and capitalizing on unearthing and selling bits of American history. The only thing standing in their way are the homeowners themselves, who Savage must convince to allow them to dig up their property using state-of-the-art metal detectors and heavy-duty excavation equipment. What artifacts they find, they sell for a substantial profit, but not before negotiating a deal to divide the revenue with the property owners. The team from American Savage is comprised of recovery expert Rue Shumate, battlefield historian Bob Buttafuso, Ric’s wife Rita who manages the business and their 25-year old son Giuseppe, who provides tech support and is the “muscle” of the operation. Series premieres, Wednesday, March 21 @ 10:00 PM, ET/PT

Folks, that is not how archaeology is practiced. This is how archaeology is done: http://youtu.be/RK4imdXWkMQ (my apologies for not embedding: seems there's a limit to the amount of clips shown per post). What is the problem you might ask? Real archaeologist will carefully sift through soil to find anything and everything they can. They don't stop at coins and bullets, they look for shards of glass, nails, lead seals, animal bones, hell- even microscopic particles like pollen and seeds. Assembled together with the proper collecting and cataloging methods, all of these finds have the potential to unlock a complex and fascinating history behind the area you are working on. For example, you can determine people's diets and if they lived through times of plenty or famine. Thanks to minuscule traces like beads or leftover fabric, you can establish trade routes and patterns. Etc. Etc. Etc. I could go on writing a book on how the real beauty of archaeology and history goes beyond finding coins and bullets, but plenty of people have done that already, both in print and on TV.  If you're new to your interest of history and archaeology, there is plenty of fine introductory material out there.
And don't get me wrong: metal detecting enthusiasts can be important to archaeology. They happen to stumble across interesting finds all the time. After all, it was thanks to such a hobbyist that Fort Saint-Joseph  in Michigan was found despite professional surveys in the area since the early 1900's. However, any such enthusiasts of metal detecting should be likewise as responsible and report any finds to their local historical society to prevent further degradation of the site of interest. There is a difference between such authentic passionate amateur historians, the pros they befriend and help out, and this...

Oh, and did I forget to mention: a fucking backhoe???

What can you do to stop this show? Boycott it: don't watch it. Studios are very twitchy when it comes to ratings and will drop any new show like a rock if it doesn't show any promise of future audience augmentation. Also, you can write to Spike TV to express your disgust. Finally, spread the news: archaeology is cool! Grab a friend, spend a few hours in a museum, especially if he or she has never set foot in one. The more people  are aware of the stakes involved in such nefarious activities, the more likely they are to boot such pirates off their property. 

Further reading: 

• Petition: Stop Spike TV from looting our collective past!
• American Digger: Show notes
• 'Diggers,' 'American Digger' TV Shows Said To Promote Looting Of Archaeological Sites
• Archaeologists Protest 'Glamorization' of Looting on TV
• Detroit preservationists oppose 'American Diggers' TV show
• Cable show host pleased with relics found in St. Augustine, scoffs at critics
• Facebook group: People against Spike TV's "American Digger"